caspian sea

hi..

(hmhm..clearing a shaky voice)

can I give you a word?

there's this girl I know..

(hmm..hmmm..and the voice keeps on running off, while the sweat in her
hands commands her to continue)

once she would like to take you out for dinner.. you would both talk
about random things of life.. what you're doing, what you'd like to
do, what you would never do, what you like, favorite colors and
moods..and you would might as well refer to all the whys that are
carried in such meaningless topics..
later on she would ask you to walk with her..

she would tell you all about her crisis of values.. she would try to
explain you how the world sometimes doesn't work for her.. explain the
emptiness carried in her body.. the solitude of not understanding the
big picture even when she tries really hard.. the partisan between her
body and mind.. the way she gives herself away without letting anyone
in.. the randomness of the meeting of people and fucking it up.. or
not.. about the fear to let go.. the fear to give herself.. the fear
of being.. the here and the now..

and later you would play for her.. while so, she would dance, twist,
jump around.. she would enter some state of trance where she cannot
control herself anymore.. and you would see how much she loves to
dance barefooted.. afterwards, she could maybe sing.. and tell you how
she always dreamt of singing without even trying to do so.. and you
would hold her for a moment.. dance with her..

she would offer you tea.. jasmin and honey..

she would explain you why she doesn't trust too much people.. why she
can' give herself without giving herself away.. why she can't express
what's on her mind as soon as she values you.. why she would never
debrief you on her feelings.. why she doesn't care enough to rely on
you or anyone else.. or maybe she's just too afraid of doing so (would
you tell her that?)..

and you would have a lot of questions for her.. some of which she'd
never be able to answer.. some of which she would refuse to answer..
some of which would make her laugh and cry.. some of which no one will
ever have the answer for..
and when the tea gets cold she would ask you to lay close to her.. and
while you tried to touch her thigh, you would realize how her body
sometimes gets disconnected from her mind.. she would grab your hand
and hold it close to your heart.. she would hear it's beat silently..
and you would see a spark in the eyes.. maybe yours, maybe hers..

in a speechless way she would let you know how she cherishes the
silence.. and maybe you wouldn't get it.. or maybe you'd both enjoy
the silent track lingering on..

and you would then fall asleep.. she would still roam around your
body.. she would capture the smallest details..
and she would then fall asleep as well.. maybe hugging you or her own
cold sholders..

in the morning?

you wouldn't be sure of what happened..

her presence wouldn't be there anymore..

it was all a dream, you recall.