"God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pain and contradictions."

and if life is filled with pains and contradictions, why don't we learn so much more?
maybe because we don't give them enough attention or importance..
maybe because we don't want to think them over..
maybe because we're just too afraid to find some things that might disturb us (at least, I am)..
maybe because we don't have the time or the need to reflect about contradictions..
maybe because we feel the urge to belong to a world where none of this has any possible existence..
maybe because others just influence us not to think about them (and interpersonal influence has a lot of power, even if we're not aware of it)..
maybe because the world has surrounded us in a dream land of search for everything else besides reflection..
maybe because no one cares..

and ideas are always present and we like them and try to preserve the best ones..
and when contradictions or pains are longing in our mind, we just try to forget them and think of something else..
but maybe, just maybe, we could use and abuse them, putting them in the best light possible for any of us..
then maybe, just maybe, we could know much much more..
even if god is not here..

"with objective wonder at the rising of a truth"

"a no man's land in a private war against narcissism...

franny said:
always, always, always referring every goddam that happens right back to our lousy little egos.
all I know is I'm losing my mind. I'm just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else's. I'm sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It's disgusting. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.
but zooey replied:
you keep talking about ego. My god, it would take Christ himself to decide what's ego and what isn't. This is god's universe, buddy, not yours, and he has the final say about what's ego and what isn't. In my opinion, if you really want to know, half the hastiness in the world is stirred up by people who aren't using their true egos."

by J. D. Salinger (Franny and Zooey)

and there was a hot sunshine that day.. the talk about egos was going nowhere..
and it didn't need to go..
all egos and gods lost in the shadows of a single mind..

mentiram-lhe..mais uma vez contam uma história que o não é, que não passa de um desejo de imprimir algo nunca realizado ou pensado..triste, vê novamente que a desilusão não acontece só com quem se espera..disseram-lhe viver num estado de completa tolerância e honestidade..ela acreditou..mentiras e embustes, pensados ou não, concretizam-se..logo agora, que era necessário acreditar em algo, tocar algo, sentir algo..ah, desejo de se perder num mundo que não o dela mas onde se consiga encontrar..vazio, é a imensidão que a cerca..vazio..o coração, já de si retraído, contrai-se ainda mais e perde a pouca vontade que ainda tinha..vazio..uma auto-estima diluída em desejos de ter ou ser o que nunca se pode..vazio..uma torrente de pesadelos esquecidos ao longo das noites..
chovia pesadamente na rua..o caminho para o templo tornara-se difuso e a confusão cercou-a por entre os muros de uma casa..nesse dia, descobriu uma outra essência dentro de si..nesse dia, um novo percurso lhe foi sugerido..radiante, deu um passo em frente..
mas volta-se a uma rotina, a um quarto circunscrito de memórias e sugestões..e perdem-se vivências de segurança que poderiam ajudar numa exequível ascensão..